Tears my eyes can’t carry
Exploring identity with artist, model and muse, Emma Goulding
A portrait from our first shoot together
During (what seemed like) the 23rd consecutive lockdown of the Covid pandemic, it’s safe to say I was feeling downright miserable. As a photographer of people, not actually being able to leave the house to see anyone made doing my job rather tricky. And, whilst I’d managed to pivot and do the odd bit of product photography here and there, I was desperate for a creative outlet.
One day, while doing the usual doom-scrolling, I stumbled across an Instagram challenge for creatives put together by a fellow photographer based near York. I won’t go into too much detail on the challenge itself, but it gave me just what I needed during a pretty bleak time. It also had the added benefit of introducing me to a fantastic creative community that were all facing similar Covid-related challenges and supporting each other through the more difficult moments.
Introducing Emma Goldbears
One of the creatives that I met through the Insta challenge was Emma Goulding - a wonderful soul and a woman of many talents, being equally as gifted in front of a camera as she is behind it (check out her Insta profile). We started off liking each other’s posts, and a few comments and DMs later we were arranging to meet up once the lockdown was lifted.
Our first meeting was at my studio in Halifax one rainy Autumnal evening and, after lots of chat, cups of mint tea and a little reassurance that I wasn’t an internet murderer, Emma kindly stepped in front of the camera for some portraits. We also made plans for further shoots together in the future. Emma’s only request? I honour her rider of Haribo Goldbears – lots of them.
Exploring identity
One theme that kept coming up during our conversations was identity. World events at that time were shining a spotlight on race more than ever before, prompting Emma to examine and explore her identity as a multidimensional black woman. She was also going through a diagnosis for ADHD which she said cleared a lot up but also meant she had to re-learn ‘what it really means to be me’. We both agreed that we wanted to explore this in our next shoot together.
Another theme that we discussed was connection to nature and the healing properties of water. I can’t really remember why the words ‘River Calder’ and ‘plunge’ were first muttered but I’m pretty sure they were originally said as a joke. Unfortunately (for Emma) this joke sparked an idea and, all of a sudden, we were planning a shoot that involved dunking Emma into the freezing cold river water. I kept waiting for her to chicken out on me, but that, I would come to learn, just isn’t in her nature!
On location
So, on a warm-ish day in Summer 2021, Emma, Janine (my wife) and I set off into the woods in Hebden Bridge. We eased Emma in gently with a few shots on land before gently nudging her towards the river. Like an absolute boss, Emma threw on a pair of water shoes, took a deep breath and walked straight in, leaving Janine and I on the riverbank gawping in amazement.
Always willing to take one for the team, I donned a rather fetching pair of my father-in-law’s waders and strode in after her. Passersby remarked how brave I was, at least I think they were talking to me…
Janine rather sensibly stayed on land holding the ‘big light’ (a Citi600 pro for those of you who care about the technical stuff).
It didn’t take long before I misjudged a crouch and lowered my entire backside into the water. At least Janine and the camera stayed dry.
The results
I can’t speak for Emma but the shoot was not just a great laugh but it encouraged me to push myself technically and creatively. After the shoot, a few people asked me what the images were ‘for’ and, honestly, I don’t really have an answer - other than that it provided Emma and I an opportunity to create together. I think that’s reason enough.
This was a personal project. A chance to ‘have a play’ and shoot something a bit different. It was one of the first personal projects I did as a photographer, but I’ve done plenty more since. I really recommend giving it a go if you’re just starting out, you’re in a bit of a creative rut or you want to try something new.
It’s almost two years on from this shoot but I still absolutely love these images. I’ll leave you with some favourites below but, before that, I wanted to share a couple of lines of poetry. It’s from Rupi Kaur’s debut collection Milk and Honey which explores the themes of identity and heritage. Emma recited the poem whilst submerged in the water and it felt right that this series of images is named after it:
“rivers fall from my mouth
tears my eyes can’t carry ”
